Saturday, October 10th is World Mental Health Day. In 2020, that’s a holiday that seems as worthy of celebration as Halloween. And is probably easier to celebrate safely. I’ll be honest with you, the last couple of weeks have been a struggle for me. I’ve got a lot happening in my life outside of yarn stuff, and recently it’s been harder and harder to act “okay”. Since the start of the shut down in the US, I’ve written here several times, reinforcing to you that it’s OK to not be OK. But lately I haven’t been taking my own advice. Most of the country has reopened or is in the process of reopening. You can go to casinos in New Jersey. You can go to restaurants. You can travel more or less unrestricted to and from most cities by plane. You can have a party. You can go to Disney World, and many children are back in school. Watching the world around me resume something very close to “normal” has been hard. In defiance of what I tell everyone else, I’ve mostly pretended that it’s OK, that I am OK.

That is a lie.

We shouldn’t be doing any of those activities. The law in most areas won’t stop you, but you still shouldn’t do it. I’ve talked about my autoimmune disorder before, which is treated with a medication that suppresses my immune system. Realistically, if I am exposed to COVID-19, I am looking at a death sentence. Seeing pictures of friends and family out to eat, pulling down their masks for photos, or gathering with people outside of their household is brutal for me. Each one of those photos represents one more week it won’t be safe for me to leave my house. And, by extension, unsafe for my husband and daughter, who would risk bringing it home to me. Like countless others in my situation, my family and I are dependent on everyone else acting right to make the world something I can safely participate in.

Other countries that took things seriously from the onset have been able to control the spread and reopen in a way that is safe for ALL of their citizens.

The reason World Mental Health Day got me thinking about all of this is that I realized I’ve done a whole lot of apologizing to the people in my life. Not Mr. Llama or Jac, they see the real me and know what I’m dealing with. However, the extended circle of family and friends and colleagues that don’t see my day-to-day — or don’t understand why I have to be so much more careful than most healthy people — receive countless apologies from me. They don’t understand why I legitimately can’t be near someone that has been near someone, who wasn’t wearing a mask. So I apologize for declining events.

I’m not in a bubble: I’ve gotten groceries during the “special hour”; after Jac and I worked hard to carefully integrated our “pods”, she now comes over to work and help with Mabel; and Mr. Llama is an essential worker. Because of that, I am constantly apologizing for saying no to other things. I know people wonder why it’s safe for Mabel to go to ballet (in a mask with very few kids who are also wearing masks, while strict 6 foot social distancing is enforced outside, and I wait in my car), but it’s not safe for me to bring her to a small birthday party. The truth is that I see all those pictures on Facebook of my friends, colleagues, and extended family breaking the rules, and while I know it hurts feelings, I have to make a decision on a case by case basis to protect me and my family. So I apologize for being an inconvenience. I apologize for being sick. And you know what? That’s bullshit.

I decided to write about this today because I’ve noticed I’m not the only person doing it. Every one of us has been in a situation by now where someone wanted to do something and you felt bad for saying no. On top of everything else, this pandemic has made us feel bad about basic personal safety. Like most other aspects of Mental Health, that nonsense sneaks up on you. It doesn’t happen all at once. It starts small. Maybe you went to something you thought would be safe, but when you got there you felt uneasy with some people’s relationship with masks or social distancing. Maybe it was just more crowded than you thought it would be, and then you felt bad because look at all those people having fun. Are you the problem? Are you paranoid? It weasels it’s way into your head, and all of a sudden you are apologizing every single time you skip something.

Imagine if someone thought that it was “living in fear” for you to wear an oven mitt. Not unlike the transmission of the novel Coronavirus, getting burned by a pan can happen in the space of a single breath. Can you imagine apologizing to them every time you took a cake out of the oven without using your bare hands? Would you stick your bare hand in an oven to avoid social stigma? More importantly, would you ever attend their Christmas Cookie party again? No. No, you would not. You would not go to an event where you knew there was even the possibility that you would be asked to stick your bare hand in a hot oven. And I doubt you would feel sorry for that.

So this year, for World Mental Health Day, I’ve got a challenge for us. Let’s all agree that for one calendar week, we will not apologize for anything that wasn’t an actual apology-worthy event. If I drop your prize porcelain poodle and break it, well, that warrants an “I’m Sorry”. If I make decisions to protect my long-term health and safety though? No apology. I’ve never tried to go a week without apologizing. I’m from the Midwest. We say “I’m sorry” by way of greeting. But we can do this. Starting tomorrow, see if you can keep from apologizing for doing what ever it is you need to do to be safe, both physically and mentally. Who knows, maybe by 2021 we’ll be able to shoot for two weeks?

This week I’ve been reading…

My Own Words by Ruth Bader Ginsburg

It’s been two weeks since RBG left her earthly vessel, and it hurts just as much as if it had been two hours. But reading this book has been a very positive experience for me. The audiobook contains recordings of the legend herself, and for just a moment I can imagine she is still here. The book is one part commentary on some of her most notable cases, and one part biography of her incredible life. It’s difficult to sum it up in this space and I’m not going to try to do so when I know I can’t possibly express the impact of hearing her story told.

If you haven’t read it, I strongly recommend it and the audiobook is particularly great. It was the perfect backdrop over the last few weeks as I struggled with how to manage asserting my own needs in a world that sees me as an expendable statistic. Even after passing, RBG can continue to inspire women everywhere to stand in their own power.

“My mother was very strong about my doing well in school and living up to my potential. Two things were important to her and she repeated them endlessly. One was to ‘be a lady,’ and that meant conduct yourself civilly, don’t let emotions like anger or envy get in your way. And the other was to be independent, which was an unusual message for mothers of that time to be giving their daughters.”

RBG, My Own Words

Currently on my needles…

I’ve been slow to knit the last few weeks. There just hasn’t been enough time in the day. Still, I did make some progress on my iKnitiative Cardigan, and while it’s been slow going, I’ve also taken some time to get back into D&D.

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Plus, I cast on a new baby sweater that will be on it’s way next week to a virtual baby shower. I like to believe that I’m infusing it with the sass of RBG. Sorry, not sorry, parents of this future fierce, independent kiddo! It might make the toddler years tough, but you’ll be glad when your bean and Mabel the Merciless rule the world.

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~Megan-Anne

May her memory be a blessing.

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