2020 Geek-A-Long: Bard

Bards are the best class to play in Dungeons & Dragons. I realize you might disagree with me, but it’s OK that you’re wrong. We can still be friends. Bards can level a playing field with nothing but the majesty of their song. They can do most of what every other class can do, except they do it with flair. I considered filling this space with a detailed spreadsheet proving with math that Bards are superior, but then I remembered Delicateflower (Flo) Notatroll. The world deserves to meet Flo.

Flo is the character that I think of every time I roll a new character. You know how sometimes sports enthusiasts will talk about their glory days on the high school football team, and they get that glint in their eyes? That gleam of remembering a time when they were the peak version of the person they imagine they are? Flo was my glory days. I consider recreating her sometimes, but that never works out the way you want it to. I was in my 20’s, Kevin and I were early in our relationship, and basically it’s the honeymoon phase of adulthood. It’s easy to get nostalgic for those days and Flo, but the truth is I’m even happier now that I was then. It’s just a different kind of happy and a different kind of life. Flo should stay safely encased in amber, preserved in all her perfection through her writing. 

Delicateflower Notatroll was a spunky gnome, out to save the world from the Patriarchy Trolls. As a child, she hid in a haystack while Trolls ransacked her village, burning the homes and killing her family. Flo was aggressively chipper — think Disney World Staff after five espressos perky — but underneath that she was pretty damaged. She never forgave herself for hiding when the trolls came, and over the course of a few campaigns she worked through some of that. She apprenticed under a master Bard and honed her battle and poetry skills. She was a hopeless romantic and recklessly suicidal in combat. Remember two weeks ago when I talked about my epic use of ventriloquism? That was Flo. What I didn’t share then were Flo’s poems. 

I wrote a notebook full of them during games and she would find a way to work a performance of one into every session. They were all inspired by whatever was happening in the session at the time. This year’s blanket reminded me of her and I pulled out that notebook, and I’ve got to tell you:

THEY HOLD UP

Over a decade ago when I wrote them (ouch!) I had the idea to write a pile more of them and try to publish it as kind of an adult-D&D-version of Where the Sidewalk Ends. I never did that, and reading them back makes me want to do it again. I don’t know if there’s a market for that outside of this blog, but who knows. So, for the rest of this post I’m going to regale you with some of my favorite “Floems.” 

A Love Forever Doomed

A Halfling may love a giant; But where would they live?
No one understood them; And a bitch they had to shiv. 

He tried to make it work; But her doorway was too small.
So she moved into his place; And off his bed she’d fall. 

He built a tiny ladder; So that she could reach the table.
She begged him to be careful; And he told her he was able. 

He made a valiant effort; To look where he walked;
But no man is perfect; And his true love got squashed. 

Dwarves, A Philosophy

In the great Forge at Yolanda’s Glade; Waits a lovely Dwarven Maid. 

She sits in the shade. Her feelings won’t fade. Her boyfriend got flayed. 

The world has rained on her parade. To Yolanda she has prayed. No miracle is made. The luck she can’t trade. For no man can be un-flayed.

The Necromancer’s Lament

In Wee-Ja there was this one zombie; who often cried out for his mommy.

He sucked at his thumb, and was really quite dumb, and then a soldier shot him and he died. 

A Miscomprehension of Species

From Garl.
Snarl.
On the prowl.
Foul. 
Hideous mount.
Bloated snout.
Trolls.

Whether you’re knitting, crocheting, or cross stitching this square, you can download the Bard pattern here. Instructions and charts for both knit and crochet are listed in the pattern. When you’re finished making it, don’t forget to Instagram your squares at us @lattesandllamasyarn with the hashtag #geekalong! Want to hang out with other people making the blanket? You can find moral support in the Geek-A-Long group on Ravelry here.

~Megan-Anne

You don’t even need to ask, Big Publisher. I will totally accept your big book deal for my Floems.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider making a donation to Child’s Play Charity. Here is a direct link to our official donation page benefiting the charity. Please help us raise $1,000 this year. No contribution is too small! Wanna make your donation go even further? Lattes & Llamas will donate $1 for every skein of Geek-A-Long Yarn purchased.